confessions of a bible major: deliverer.

during one of the songs at church tonight, it dawned on me that i'm not very good at believing in God sometimes.
...  say what?  ...
yep. i know that sounds a bit crazy, but it's quite true. of course i believe He exists. most of the time, i believe He loves me (who doesn't doubt that occasionally, during rough times?). i have no problem believing that He is active in this world and intervenes on behalf of people. but i have serious issues with truly believing that He *will* deliver me from the situations i face.
i know that deliverer is a common name for God and all. trust me. in fact, i did a search and got 228 responses. that is not a small number. that's a big number! (homestar runner, anyone?)
i deeply crave God's deliverance in my life, but at the same time, i have never really consciously thought about it.
a lot of times in my life, i've had to tough it out. of course the biggest emotional bog that comes to mind is this last deployment. jobless, in a new town with very few friends... i so wanted God to plop answers in my lap. instead, i faced rejection, loneliness and disappointment for the better part of a year.
while i certainly don't know how God's deliverance will play itself out in my life, i do know that psalm 40, in its entirety, is going to be my prayer for the coming year. because it is only by God's strength and deliverance that i'll make it through.
here's to believing, without a doubt, in His ability to deliver me.
--
...how have you experienced His deliverance in your life?

on being in my early 20s.

[[before you chastise me for disappearing on you for months, i will just say that i try to enjoy as much time WITH my hugsband as possible when he's home. also, my creativity was trying (and failing) to channel itself into other projects. so now i'm back with full attention.]]

for years, i anticipated reaching the early 20s stage of my life. daydreams of my future self's life changed shape on occasion, but the anticipation and eagerness was a constant companion for most of my teens.

i started off with a bang, for sure. i celebrated my 21st in jerusalem, with plenty of long-distance love from home and my then-boyfriend-now-husband. that summer, i lived in northern virginia with an eight-to-five internship that i loved. l.o.v.e.d.

when i returned to my senior year of college, i struggled and stumbled my way through beyond-demanding classes and the full realization that most of my best college friends had already graduated and started their new (real) lives. three weeks after graduation, i was married and en route to my new home in san diego county, with sparkly visions of a career-track, city-ish-living and beach-going in my head.

fast-forward... stop. play. i'm six months from the end of this era of my life (i have a crazy, unshakable idea that once 24 happens, i'm in my mid-20s and can't ever get back the "early"). i'm a much-loved wife and daughter, sister and aunt. but all my sparkly visions have dissipated, instead replaced with a sense of disillusionment.

so, my goal for the next six months is simple. mostly. live like i'm still young, instead of acting like i'm already past my prime. time to go shopping for fun clothing, brightly colored nail polish, apply for the jobs i only dream of getting, and find some kindred spirits. to be inspired and to be an inspiration. mostly, though, i want to dig deep and stretch myself in my faith and get closer to God. my Savior. my life.